"I have invented a new unit of time. It is called, the Schnecond.
This unit of time is relativistic, and it is based on the fundamental amount of time it takes for a Giant Schnauzer to make up its mind if it wants to come inside once you have opened the door. As it is variable, you can imagine that it leads to some pretty complex mathematics, but using the Schnecond in your every day life, when being your Giant Schnauzer's butler, will make scheduling expectations much easier.
Some things of note:
...
The Schnecond is inversely proportional to how much uninterrupted sleep you have gotten. Some people have claimed Schneconds in the 30 to 45 standard second range between the times of 1 and 5 am.
It is directly proportional to the number of night time chirps, croaks, sudden breezes or any other distractions that could suddenly pique the interest of a Giant Schnauzer while pondering crossing the threshold of his or her domicile.
A Schnecond is not complete until the entirety of the Giant Schnauzer has cleared the threshold so that the door may then be closed. No halvies Scheconds, only whole numbers.
Calculating your life span in Schneconds would actually make your age younger than you are currently, though premature aging is a considerable factor in the Schnecond time stream. I am almost 40, though in Schneconds, I'm closer to 10.
Because Schneconds are relativistic and variable, try not to confuse the person not currently owned by a Giant Schnauzer by saying "Just a Schnecond". Some people can't wait all day.
Your Giant Schnauzer will most likely calculate your payroll in Schneconds, unfortunately."
This unit of time is relativistic, and it is based on the fundamental amount of time it takes for a Giant Schnauzer to make up its mind if it wants to come inside once you have opened the door. As it is variable, you can imagine that it leads to some pretty complex mathematics, but using the Schnecond in your every day life, when being your Giant Schnauzer's butler, will make scheduling expectations much easier.
Some things of note:
...
The Schnecond is inversely proportional to how much uninterrupted sleep you have gotten. Some people have claimed Schneconds in the 30 to 45 standard second range between the times of 1 and 5 am.
It is directly proportional to the number of night time chirps, croaks, sudden breezes or any other distractions that could suddenly pique the interest of a Giant Schnauzer while pondering crossing the threshold of his or her domicile.
A Schnecond is not complete until the entirety of the Giant Schnauzer has cleared the threshold so that the door may then be closed. No halvies Scheconds, only whole numbers.
Calculating your life span in Schneconds would actually make your age younger than you are currently, though premature aging is a considerable factor in the Schnecond time stream. I am almost 40, though in Schneconds, I'm closer to 10.
Because Schneconds are relativistic and variable, try not to confuse the person not currently owned by a Giant Schnauzer by saying "Just a Schnecond". Some people can't wait all day.
Your Giant Schnauzer will most likely calculate your payroll in Schneconds, unfortunately."
1 comment:
Hilarious
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